So, I haven't written for quite a while, but what is there to say? In the time since my last post, my father has rapidly declined. This, coupled with an unrelated but equally distressing lawsuit brought upon us by a family member, has made the past year bewildering.
The shining light through all of this has been the support of you, our friends. We would not be here without your thoughts and encourgament.
However, our time on this blog is drawing to a close.
With one word, our endpoint set:
'leukemia'
Of course, we all knew this day would come. After all, we know what waits at the end of living in a nursing home. People don't get better. They die.
I feel so many things. Heart-wrentching grief for my mother. Paralyzing fear of what is yet to come. But overall, I am burdened with guilt. Guilt. Because, my dead friends, the secret that I harbor so deep inside is that I am relieved. To be free of this lead weight that sits on my chest. To not feel compelled to sit up at night womdering if my father thinks he is all alone- unloved and discarded in a strange, frightening place. To exhale. To breathe again.
And yet.
It is more likely that the fear and worry I feel will be replaced by only emptyness. After all, can one who has been wrenched in twain ever be truly whole again?
The passage of time is a salve that supposedly heals all. Perhaps it will heal me as well. Until them, I strive to keep my family in my heart as I desparately cling to memories of the past and hope to some day make new memories that will carry us into the future.
My love to all.
-J
